Have you ever felt empty?
Do you know what emptiness looks like?

For me...
Emptiness is I am now.
I feel so empty. New year is coming and it reminds me of something...

I have no one.
I know I have friends and families here with me.
But, inside.. I feel nothing.

I asked myself...
How come I feel and live OK few years ago when I don't have any boyfriend as well?
And even I was not this crumbly when I broke up the first time.
I think I know the answer.
Last time, the case was different.
We were not suited each other. We had so many differences, always liked something different, couldn't even share something each other, and maybe that time our age was so young and we weren't mature enough.
But, this time... everything is different. I think we were OK. But, I guess I was wrong.

Moreover, I didn't have time to struggle with that last time.
I had to go to Melbourne to study and it went so well.
I like it and I enjoy it. I have many friends as well.
Besides, I just realized that there was someone who always there beside me.
Cared about me, shared with me, spent time with me that time. For almost 1 and half years.
But he was not my boyfriend. We were just... best friends, more than friends actually but not boyfriend. hahaha...
I wished we could be more than friends that time, but I know we can't and it hurted.
He just wanted to be friends and I'm OK with it.
So I become his best friend. But I felt sometimes he still act like more than friend for me.
He still cared for me...
That was why I don't feel empty eventough I have no one officialy in my heart.

Then.. I met him (my last boyfriend)
and I'm changed.
I gave up my best boy friend and I told him that I had someone already.
So I really want to be only friend, not less not more. And we went well as friends.
I thought that was the right decision, because I thought my boyfriend and I were going to be OK for long time.

But it happened, we aren't together anymore...
So here I am now.. feel empty.
Because I have no one inside my heart now.
Even I still have many friends as well, I have a lot to do, I have many things to make me forget it.
But, it's still different. I always think about it again at night when I am going to bed.
And it hurts more... because I already planned many activities for special events before I went back.
Christmas, New Year, Valentine, and many other casual activities. Great!!!

I can't even delete all of our pictures and memories.
I think I am more stupid and pathetic than empty now!
Damn! And I don't know why I wrote my feelings into this blog.

Well, I guess I'm just... sharing, nothing more, that's it. hehe..

Semakin deket lulus bachelor, semakin bingung jugalah diriku. hahahaha...

Do I need to take master?
Dulu sih aku gak pernah mikir mau ambil master,
ngliat cc and koko and temen2 pada ambil master aku juga gak pengen.
Tapi, setelah di Indo bbrp minggu ini...
and ngeliat sikon sekarang...
Apa aku perlu ya ambil master?
Other reason, kemarin pas les bikin kue ada 1 cowok gt, kakak kelas itungannya,
dia cerita kalau jaman sekarang master tuh perlu.
Di Jakarta, lulusan s1 cuma dianggep kaya lulusan SMA. Is it true?
Tapi di lain sisi, aku juga sering denger kalau ketinggian degree gak bagus juga.
Kan ada tuh company yang ga mau hire orang yg degree nya tinggi2, gak kuat bayar juga.
Aku juga liat tmn2ku yg cuma lulusan s1 juga bisa dapet kerja kok di Jakarta dengan gaji yang lumayan juga.

Aaaaaaa.... bingung deh!
Jadi deh aku ngomong2 sama mama, mama sih bilang aku harus ambil S2. fiuhhh...
Actually, I don't mind sih.. paling jg jadinya belajar lagi. Cape juga.. wakakka... tp master cm 1 1/2 th, tanggung juga kalau dilepas. Udah ditawarin juga sama kampusku, Monash, buat ambil honours or master. Gak semua orang juga ditawarin, sayang gak sih? hehe..

Lebih2, gara2 peraturan PR di Australia berubah which is more difficult for me...
emang bagus sih kalau aku ambil master. Jadi aku bisa apply PR sama master, pas aku selesai master harusnya PR ku juga bakal diproses. Soalnya peraturan sekarang, kalau gak ad prioritas apa2, application buat PR bakal diproses by the end of 2011. Bikin susah aja... kalau gak kan plan ku yang dulu bisa dijalanin. huhuhu...

Pusing 7 keliling deh...
Gimana ya? Mahal juga sih kalau master.
Tapi kalau master, master apa ya?
Pengennya sih master of business.
Pengen business soalnya kan aku udah ambil IT, nah kalau hbs itu ak perdalam business kan good combination. hahaha... Iya gak sih?
Tapi, business aja tipe nya banyak bgt.
Kmrn udah liat2 course nya di Monash sm Melbourne Uni.
Melb uni gak bisa, karena kebanyakan perlu work experience buat ambil master. Mahal banget juga di Melb Uni.
Tapi emang aku lebih prefer Monash kalau buat business secara business nya Monash no.1 di Australia.

Pengen juga ambil master di tempat lain. Pengen ke Canada.. aaaaaaaa!!
Tapi nantinya bakal susah kalau mau balik lagi ke Melbourne, PR nya gak mungkin dapet deh kalau gt. Udah gt kalau aku ambil di luar Australia gak mungkin bisa langsung mulai bulan Juli besok, pasti harus tunggu nilai bla bla bla... which is nilai final ku kan baru keluar July itu. And graduation ceremony ku baru Oktober, masa iya kalau mulai master July di tempat lain aku balik lg ke Melb bulan Oktober buat graduation? huahahaha... Untung2 kalau pas gak ujian. So, ya udah deh... Melb lg aja. I love Melbourne as well. wakakakak...

Masalahnya sekarang yang bisa aku ambil itu cuma Master of business sama Master of International Business for business course lho... itu aja yang gak perlu work experience. Kayanya sih... soalnya aku juga gak mau kalau ambil course nya banyak accounting, orang gak banyak pengalaman di accounting. hehehe... Kalau ambil IT... Yahhh, masa IT lg? Haiz.. susah ya pilih course aja. haha... Kalau IT banyak sih, soalnya aku kan dr IT degree juga. But, still.. I can not take all types of IT courses. Tapi menurutku rada2 gak penting kalau ambil master IT, apalagi yg related sama major ku. huhuhuhu... Tambah bingung, deh...

Bakal cari2 info terus nih pas besok balik Melb, perpanjang visa juga kalau mau master. Repotnya!! hahaha... Harus cepet juga bikin keputusan biar bisa mulai master right after I finish my degree in July so I can graduate Master by the end of 2011. Kenapa cepet2? Biar waktu umur 22 udah slsai master. hehe.. kan lumayan... buat pegangan, moga2 juga pas itu udah dapet PR juga. Jadi kalau aku mau ambil bahasa di China gampang, gak repot2 urus2 lagi kalau mau balik Melbourne habis itu. hehehe...
Susah ya hidup itu? Belum nanti urusan cari kerja. Mateng2....

Sekarang cuma bisa do my best and pray to God ^^
Long time not blogging.. hehe..
I was so busy this week.
Have so many activities and works to do. Hahaha.. Sounds so snuffy ;p

For me, there are many advantages by having many things to do. But still, there is something.. not nice? like very tired and sometimes it makes you confused. haha..

So, first thing.. I joined a small cake making course. hmm.. Maybe you who know me will say "What the hell? You?" hahahahaha... But I did. I started last Tuesday and finished just today :)
It was so interesting. So fun... and so tired as well. We were taught to make many kinds of cake, starting from pound cake, sponge cake and chiffon cake. I'll explain about it in another post. hehe.. Cos it's too long ;p

Second thing, I went to dentist last Wednesday to do whitening. haha..
The doctor said it only takes 1hour, but it is actually 3 hours for me --"
And you know what should I do? Yes, I only need to sit in the chair but then I felt like my mouth is cracked. fiuhhh... I don't know why I always feel scared whenever I go to the dentist, since I was child. Lucky I don't need to go to the dentist often. hehehe... OK, back! Yeah, so after sitting in 'that' chair, I start to say to myself "Relax.. it won't be hurt!"

It is not hurt actually, but when that thing is put in my mouth... Oh my God! I feel so uncomfortable, hurt, and ugly. huahahaha.. I know you are confused what is 'that' thing. But, I don't even know the name. It is a thing to make you mouth stay open, and it will show all your teeth. And I have to wear it for 3 hours. swt... I felt can't move and feel my mouth after that. Then, it's not finished yet... There were so many devices that got into my mouth. I didn't know what their function one by one, but I knew one for sure that was used to absorb your saliva. hahaha... Not hurt.. but can you imagine if many unknown medicine utensils come into your mouth?? Even it is not hurt, I will still feel scared. The worst thing was when the protector for my gum was gone already, I felt agony in my gum and in my teeth. I really want to take all the tools out and run away from there. huhuhu... And I can't eat anything that has colour in it, like rawon, soto, chili, tea, coffee, chocolate, etc for 24 hours. Basically, I was just allowed to eat rice and white bread and water. haha... So sad...
But, everything needs sacfrice. Thanks God I can hold until it ended.

In my 20years life, this is the first time I went to dentist that I can really feel and remember it. Last time I went to dentist is when I was 7 or 8 years old, can't even remember it exactly. Now, I hope I won't go to dentist anymore. But, I don't think that is possible because I just know that we need to go to dentist at least once in 6 months to clean all the tartar. Fiuhh.. too bad! Still long time to go tough. haha.. The most important I got what I want and I can still enjoy any type of food now ^^

Eits.. not finished yet.
Third one, I have an online shop selling clothes, bags and accessories. hehe.. Just started when I was in Indo cos I thought I will have nothing to in 3 months so I decided to make an online shop in facebook :)
The goods are from Korea, Japan and Hong Kong. Thanks God again it is going well. Many customer attracted. hehe.. But, that makes my day become busier. I have to online often to check is there any comment or request, etc. It's nice tough because I like it. hehe..

Last one, I still have to do my diet because I still need to reduce 5 more kg to become slim. huhuhu... So I need to exercise at least once in a day, like treadmill or swimming. Sometimes, I think when that day will come? The day when I don't need to do more diet. hahahha.... So those reasons make my week so busy, good enough to make me stop blogging for a while huh? hehehe...
Lagi seneng sama lagu ini nih...
Gak tahu kenapa..
Liriknya mgungkin.
Bagus aja, terus rasanya gimana gt dengerin sama baca liriknya.
Lebay nih aku kayanya. wakakakak...

If I Were A Boy lyrics

Songwriters: Carlson, Britney; Gad, Toby; Knowles, Beyonce;

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
I got a present from my best friends few weeks ago.
It is actually before I went back to Indo.

So happy...
I got a sunglass, Armani one. hehe..
I like it since I saw it.
I planned to buy it before I went back to Indo that day..
but there is no stock in Armani store in city, so I just think that maybe I wasn't allowed to buy it. hahaha...

But then.. lucky I haven't bought it. hihi..
Thanks a lot guys!! ^^

Wanna see the picture? hohoho..
Sorry, agak narsis nih. hehehe.. ;p
I'm going to wear it for sure in Bali tomorrow...

Ups, my sister is there.. just half.. Doesn't matter ;p

It's December 1st...
a good day to start
a good month to start
but today is a hard day for me.

And now...
I'm in the 'love' mood... and in the 'sad' mood.
So here are some quotes about heart, love and I think most of them are sad. hahaha...
But, I promise this feeling will only stay for today..
no more..
I promise I will really really move on this time!

  • I truly believe that some­times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning. 
  • One of the SUCKIEST and most FRUSTRATING facts of life is that sometimes rela­tionships just end, often without reason.
  • We're afraid of the unknown pain - fear of never finding love again, fear of being alone, fear of thing being different.
  • Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as "disposable" is NOT worthy of your time or tears.
  • Some things happen for a reason and deep down inside you probably know what that reason is. But sometimes you ignored it.
  • Don't envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied.
  •  Don't cry when the sun is gone because the tears wont let you see the stars.
  • There’s only a single truth behind every heartache: Love hurts when God knows we deserve someone else.
  • No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cant fully love you in return...these feelings mean nothing.
  • Cut them off. Let them miss you!
  • Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.
  • Just remember that the person u are getting back together with is the same person who told you that they're no longer in need of ur company.   
  • If the person you love not doing anything to get you, they may love you and may miss you, but ultimately they're just not that into you.
  • A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.
  • Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
  • Real love, I’ve learned, is a very, very strong form of forgiveness. 
  • If you think I’ve given up on you, you’re crazy. And if you think I don’t love you, then you’re just wrong. (I wish I can do this... hahahaha.. ). OK2! Remember my promise!
  • Your love is special when you follow only your heart- not reason, not "rules", not what other people say. 
  • Once you have something you want.. that's when you have something to lose. 
  • Love is a two-sided issue: Just as it can give one the greatest ecstasy, it can cause one the greatest pain.
  • I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? (hahahahaha.. I really like this one)  
  • The only person that deserves to have you, is the one that thinks that they dont.
  • I've come to realize guys are like drugs, either they'll kill you or give you the most amazing high of your life.
  • It isnt how u forget but how u forgive,not how u listen but how u understand,not what u see but how u feel,not how u let go but how u hold on.
  • What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.    
  • Things don't happen for no reason, they happen to teach you something. 
  • Say goodbye but never say hello again. Forget but never regret.Pick the pieces up but never fix them. Feel the pain but never keep it. Move on! 
  • Calling the one who dumped you doesn't make it better.. it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak. MOVE ON. 
  • Believe that someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you've always wanted...
A lot yeah?? Just for today.....
So at last I want to say....
Your day may be hectic, your schedule may be tight, but take time to sleep & have a sweet dream! Goodnight everyone!

NB: Quotes are taken from http://twitter.com/TheLoveStories