Have you ever felt empty?
Do you know what emptiness looks like?

For me...
Emptiness is I am now.
I feel so empty. New year is coming and it reminds me of something...

I have no one.
I know I have friends and families here with me.
But, inside.. I feel nothing.

I asked myself...
How come I feel and live OK few years ago when I don't have any boyfriend as well?
And even I was not this crumbly when I broke up the first time.
I think I know the answer.
Last time, the case was different.
We were not suited each other. We had so many differences, always liked something different, couldn't even share something each other, and maybe that time our age was so young and we weren't mature enough.
But, this time... everything is different. I think we were OK. But, I guess I was wrong.

Moreover, I didn't have time to struggle with that last time.
I had to go to Melbourne to study and it went so well.
I like it and I enjoy it. I have many friends as well.
Besides, I just realized that there was someone who always there beside me.
Cared about me, shared with me, spent time with me that time. For almost 1 and half years.
But he was not my boyfriend. We were just... best friends, more than friends actually but not boyfriend. hahaha...
I wished we could be more than friends that time, but I know we can't and it hurted.
He just wanted to be friends and I'm OK with it.
So I become his best friend. But I felt sometimes he still act like more than friend for me.
He still cared for me...
That was why I don't feel empty eventough I have no one officialy in my heart.

Then.. I met him (my last boyfriend)
and I'm changed.
I gave up my best boy friend and I told him that I had someone already.
So I really want to be only friend, not less not more. And we went well as friends.
I thought that was the right decision, because I thought my boyfriend and I were going to be OK for long time.

But it happened, we aren't together anymore...
So here I am now.. feel empty.
Because I have no one inside my heart now.
Even I still have many friends as well, I have a lot to do, I have many things to make me forget it.
But, it's still different. I always think about it again at night when I am going to bed.
And it hurts more... because I already planned many activities for special events before I went back.
Christmas, New Year, Valentine, and many other casual activities. Great!!!

I can't even delete all of our pictures and memories.
I think I am more stupid and pathetic than empty now!
Damn! And I don't know why I wrote my feelings into this blog.

Well, I guess I'm just... sharing, nothing more, that's it. hehe..
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5 Responses
  1. oneeye Says:

    well, when the time is right, you'll be able to erase everything about him from your memory (if you wish to), but until then, just be patient. even if it takes years (wish not)

  2. Marcia Agata Says:

    yupp.. thanks ^^

  3. oneeye Says:

    makin erat hubungan makin susah untuk ngelepasin. ato makin dewasa makin susah untuk ngelupain?

  4. oneeye Says:

    kalo gitu mau jadi anak kecil aja terus, lebih enak rasanya, cepet lupa, hehhee.